The Carrollwood News & Tribune
Lutz Buisness Helps Cope With Grief
Tribune Photo by CANDACE C. MUNDY
Four-year-old Megan Smith, far right, whose mother died of cancer two years ago, lights a candle to honor her loved one at the close of her first visit to The Kid's Place. Also in picture are 4-year-old Jordan Bradley and Pattee Rampt, the facility's associate director. At the close of the designated time the youths are at the facility, everyone participates in the candle lighting ceremony.
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Published: June 14, 2008
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LUTZ - When Jackie Bradley put her 17-month-old, Julia, down for a nap, she had no reason to believe the little girl would never wake up.
"There was nothing wrong with her. We just don't know why she died," the Pasco County woman said.
"It's surreal. It's a bad dream. We keep looking for Julia," said Jackie's husband, Bob.
Their little girl's death May 7 turned the Bradley family's world upside down - and they came to Suncoast Kid's Place, on its opening day, to get help for dealing with their grief.
"Nobody has any idea what to do with this kind of grief," Debby Negri, a facilitator at the center, said during a session with the parents.
Negri understands. Her 5-year-old son, Christopher, died 13 years ago, and that death has affected her family ever since.
The Bradleys know they need help dealing with Julia's death, and to help their other daughter, 4-year-old Jordan, as she grieves the loss of her little sister.
Suncoast Kid's Place, which opened June 2 at 17030 Lakeshore Road, is a center for grieving children and their families. Its program is free for participants as a community outreach program of Van Dyke United Methodist Church.
The program is designed to help children ages 3 through 18 and their families, said Cheryl Jackson, program director. It doesn't matter whether the loss was recent or happened some time ago.
Families arriving at the grief center cross a bridge from the church parking lot to enter the white house with its fluorescent lime green door and purple shutters.
After parents drop off the kids, they head to a session in a room at the church.
The children settle in at the house, first to talk and then to play.
It's a cheerful place, with colorful walls and murals. It is well-stocked with toys and furniture geared specifically for kids.
The bright colors and promise of fun are intentional.
"They're coming from such dark times. We wanted them, when they come in here, to quickly realize there is hope and healing and joy ahead of them," Jackson said.
The program is based on the theory that children work through strong issues best through activities, Jackson said.
Sessions are geared for up to 10 kids at a time, with groups organized by age.
There are groups for 3- to 5-year-olds, kindergartners through second-graders, third- through fifth-graders, middle school kids and high school kids.
The children come in twice a month for sessions lasting roughly 90 minutes.
The program is not highly regimented or regulated.
It uses a team of trained volunteer facilitators who have learned how to ask open-ended questions and to use reflective listening to help kids express themselves.
Each session begins with a talking circle, where youngsters have a chance to share their feelings but are not pressured to do so, Jackson said.
After that session ends, kids get to choose which room they want to play in and what they want to do.
They can draw, paint, make masks or do scrapbooks in the art room.
The book nook has books and games.
There is a dress-up room, where they can try on costumes; a play room, where they can play with puppets and trains; and a game room, which has foosball, ping-pong and air hockey tables.
For the older kids, there's a screened-in patio, with places to sit and relax while they chat and listen to music.
There's even a "volcano room" - where kids of any age can take out their anger by pummeling a punching bag, jousting with padded sticks or wrestling with a stuffed dummy.
Facilitators are there while the children are playing, to play with them and help them achieve what they want to do, Jackson said.
"We follow the children's lead. We let them decide what they need to do, and we just kind of help them," Jackson said.
The program helps children understand they're not alone in coping with the death of a sibling, parent or friend, Jackson said. They may not realize that fact because in their school or neighborhood, they may not know any other child experiencing that kind of loss.
Grieving is a natural part of life, but there are few places where people are given the time, space and support they need to work through their grief, Jackson said.
The center doesn't provide counseling or therapy. It is a peer support program, modeled after The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families, which was founded in Portland, Ore., in 1982.
Besides helping children, Suncoast Kid's Place aims to help parents and caregivers cope with their own grief and learn ways to help their children.
"Death is a family affair," Jackson said. "If someone dies, it affects everyone in the family."
The Bradleys didn't want to waste any time getting help because they want to do whatever they can for their 4-year-old daughter.
"We believe there are tools for us to help us express our feelings and to help Jordan," Bob Bradley said.
"We don't know how to approach her," Jackie Bradley said. "Do we cry in front of her? Do we not?"
That's a common question among parents, Jackson said.
Parents hide their grief with the best of intentions, but they need to know that children take their cues from them, Jackson said.
"If the children never see them cry, the children are going to think, 'It's not OK to cry.'"
Parents often think they are being strong for their surviving children.
"They're trying to protect their children from pain. But these are the cards that have been dealt that child. They need to look at it from that perspective: That is the healthiest thing they can do," Jackson said.
It's also important to realize that people grieve in different ways, no matter how old they are, said Joan Schwezer Hoff, director of program services for The Dougy Center.
"There really is no cookbook answer for grief. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve," Schwezer Hoff said.
Some people cry, some don't, she said. It's important to respect individual differences.
One mistake parents often make is to try to shield their children from the truth, Schwezer Hoff said.
What tends to happen, however, is that the child hears about the death in bits and pieces and then gets confused.
Sometimes children think the death is their fault because no one will talk about it around them, Schwezer Hoff said.
"No matter what the age, tell the truth," she said. Relay the basic facts in language they understand, then answer any questions they have.
Pattee Rampt, the associate director for Suncoast Kid's Place, said parents need guidance in how to help their kids.
When her 10-year-old daughter, Angela, died 11 years ago, Rampt said she had no idea how deeply the death would affect her other children, Al and Arica Dudich.
She said hospice recommended counseling, but they didn't pursue it.
Her son turned to drugs and alcohol, and, for years, her daughter didn't tell anyone she had had a sister.
Rampt said her son would ask her: "Why couldn't it have been me?"
Rampt would tell him: "You've got to get over it, Al."
"That's like the worst thing I could have told him.
"I didn't know. I didn't know," she said.
Since then, she has learned a lot about grief and the need for people to work through it, Rampt said.
That's one of the reasons she wanted to get involved with Suncoast Kid's Place. She wants parents and children to have somewhere to go where they don't have to face their grief alone.
SUNCOAST KID'S PLACE
Suncoast Kid's Place operates on six basic principles:
•Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one, for children as well as adults.
•Within each individual is the capacity to heal.
•The duration and intensity of grief vary from person to person.
•Caring and acceptance help in the healing process.
•Play is children's "work," and they work through grief best through support and play-oriented activities.
•Grieving affects people in physical, emotional and physical ways.
Participants do not pay for the program, which is supported by Van Dyke United Methodist Church and tax-deductible donations.
For information, call (813) 990-0216.
Reporter B.C. Manion can be reached at (813) 865-1507 or bmanion@tampatrib.com.
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